It’s that time of the year when we get flooded by images and messages of how to create more romance, how to be a better lover, or how to find your perfect partner NOW. Admonitions that the status of our relationship or the togetherness of our coupling is lacking something.
Let me remind you that you lack nothing. Sure there are things that are in process of being fulfilled or transformed. BUT you my darling lack nothing.
So this year, I propose that Valentine’s Day be a day of romancing yourself – A practice of embodying every inch of you.
Because our relationship with ourselves is a direct reflection of our relationship with others, when we can connect with ourselves more intimately, more genuinely, more authentically, we create greater doorways and paths to be able to do the same with someone else.
Romance is defined as a love affair, an attachment between people, a mysterious appeal, or a mysterious quality of something beautiful.
To romance yourself is a powerful way to embody you.
To romance yourself is a powerful way to embody yourself. It is an invitation to feel more alive and relish being in your own skin.
Because when we do this, we deepen our intimacy, aliveness, and erotic connection without the push to make it about what we may or not be getting from someone or being alone or in coupledom this time of year.
Therefore, to romance yourself is at the very heart of Valentine’s Day.
Here are some ideas on how to romance YOU.
#1. S-L-O-W Down
Valentine’s Day is an invitation to live from the romantic, sexy and sensual parts of ourselves. One way we can experience more sensuality is to slow down. Many of us run around all day, mindlessly getting things done. How many of us have driven somewhere not recalling how we got there?
Slowing down is about being aware of what we are doing right now. One of my favorite way to slow down is to move as if I were moving through thick caramel (YUMM). How I move my body becomes more deliberate and more mindful.
Slowing down turns on our proprioceptive sense which many consider our sixth sense. The proprioceptive sense is vital to our daily experiences and something that contributes to our overall body ownership. Experts in this area share that without this sense our brains our lost.
When we slow down, our body feels more grounded and allows our mind and body to connect. Connection being the one quality that allows us to create deeper intimacy with ourselves (and with others of course).
Most who have been in a romantic relationship say that they felt the most connected to their partners at the beginning of their relationship. The reason for this is because at the beginning of the relationship each person was completely present to the other. Everyone attentively paid attention to every nuance of the other and most importantly the attention was based on curiosity.
You can practice presence by noticing the nuances of you and being curious about how you experience being in your own body. Noticing the movement of your feet as you walk – is it heal-toe, or toe-heal? Do your hips sway or shuffle side to side? What about your shoulders? For women – the bounce of our feminine curves!
The biggest invitation to practice presence with yourself is through the breath. Paying attention to the feeling of your belly and chest rising and falling with every breath. Is there pause at the top or the bottom? Is your inhale or exhale longer?
#3. Mirror Mirror
In Tantra, Soul Gazing is one of the primary exercises taught – two partner’s looking into each other’s eyes with hand over heart.
The invitation here is to practice Soul Gazing with yourself.
Gaze into your own eyes and share words of love and gratitude with yourself. Perhaps a little tough the first time, but I promise it gets easier. Besides, if we cannot admire ourselves, how can we ask that from someone else?
Forget about your hair, makeup, or any perceived imperfections. Look into your eyes and get lost in the wondrous and brilliant creature you are. Look into your eyes, place hands over heart and say…
I love you
…. a beautiful soul
… keep going.. What else can you whisper to yourself?
#4. Mindful Pleasure
One of the greatest things about Valentine’s is that it is all about stirring up and stoking the embers of pleasure. Pleasure is everything and anything that feels good to the body. Our sensual bodies innately know pleasure. It is often our brains that get in the way with the should’s and should not’s.
Pleasure answers the question what feels, tastes, looks, sounds, and smells good to me?
For example, start your day by feeling your body by stretching it in bed, noticing what areas feel relaxed, and how the skin feels when being touched by clothing or bed sheets. How about using a yummy lotion and taking the time to massage it into the skin? Choose clothes that feel good on your skin or at least take your time putting each article of clothing on you. Drink your coffee by smelling it, taking a slow sip, and feeling the warmth of it in your mouth.
When we pay attention to what our body enjoys and how it derives pleasure, we feel better because we are feeding our sensual selves. Let go of any misunderstanding that we can only do this with a partner. We open ourselves to pleasure and we give permission to receive pleasure. Having a partner has nothing to do with this.
#5. Shake Baby Shake
The demands of daily life often result in habitual tension patterns in the body and an overactive mind. Many of us adopt a freeze state of the body which many times is perceived as calm.
The problem is that this “freeze” state keeps up from experiencing ease and pleasure in our physical bodies because the body experiences “freeze” as tension. Consequently, the mind perceives tension as the body signaling something is wrong and we don’t seek pleasure when something is wrong.
Allowing our bodies to continually move without imposing any specific movement or pattern, the body begins to experience itself differently and pathways to pleasurable embodiment are reinforced.
Put a song on and begin to move. It is not about looking good or following a specific kind of dance. It’s about letting your body move you. Best way to do this… shake. Literally shake. Remember the “Hokey Pokey?” Shake one body part at a time or shake the whole body at once.
So how can you further romance yourself as a powerful way to feel more alive and embodied, or share more of your embodied self with another?
For the women… Come join me at our next FEMME.
For the men… stay tuned… something just for you is on its way.
Picture by Clay Banks
I recently attended, both as participant and assistant, in a woman’s workshop focused on sexuality and the Medicine Wheel led by the incomparable Gina Ogden. On the first night, all the women walked the Wheel, placing their sacred objects and sharing with the group what each object represented — one representing what they want more of in their sexual life, the other representing what they want less of. As the evening continued, one theme came to light — the impact of religious training on sexuality, particularly that of that Catholic church.
This peaked my interest, since I attended Catholic school for 12 years and I was fully aware of the training and dogma that these women shared. As I heard the women speak, I found myself feeling incredibly grateful for my rebellious spirit and my curiosity — they have always been my saving grace. The truth is that I never believed what the priests and the nuns said about love and sex. I did not believe that I would be a sinner for enjoying the pleasure of my flesh since God himself (or herself) had created this very flesh. As far as I can remember, I believed that sex was one of God’s greatest gifts. It was a gift that allowed us as humans to transcend our bodies and the illusion of separation from others. There is a reason why, in moments of absolute pleasure, the words “oh my God” are said aloud in every language and across every religion.
As I sat in the circle, watching and hearing these women, I was also keenly aware that I had a small picture of St. Teresa of Avila in my bag. Until that moment, I had been unsure of the reason why I had packed it a few days before.
In the Medicine Wheel, sexuality and spirituality exist in the same quadrant because the quadrant is about connectivity. Although many may not agree with me, I cannot see any separation of sexuality and spirituality. One leads directly to the other. My spirituality is about connecting more lovingly and authentically with myself, others, and God. My sexuality exists for the same reason.
The women in the circle reminded me that night that much work needs to be done to heal the lines that create separation, aloneness, despair, and negative beliefs about God and sex. When St. Teresa was placed in the circle, I believe the healing began. That night, there was a lightness that she radiated from the center of the circle into the heart of every woman.
Ecstasy of St. Teresa Giovanni Lorenzo Bernini, 1645-1652 Rome, Italy: Santa Maria della Vittoria, Cornaro Chapel. Teresa is clothed from head to foot in a loose hooded garment. Her feet are bare, the left one prominently displayed. Her eyes are shut, her mouth opened, as she swoons in ecstasy. Standing before her is the figure of a winged youth. His garment hangs on one shoulder, exposing his arms and part of his upper torso. In his right hand he holds an arrow that is pointed at the heart of Teresa.