The Dirty Little F Word Required for a Great Valentine’s

V-Day is here!

Love is in the air… may be…

I keep seeing posts and blogs about being “so over Valentine’s Day.” 

Now I don’t necessarily buy into the fanfare, Hallmark cards, and candy.  But, I am also reminded that as humans, we are programmed to connect, love and be loved.

So to ignore or minimize this very human need on a day that is focused on celebrating LOVE, is missing the opportunity to celebrate who we are on a core soul level. 

In last week’s post, I wrote about Self-Love being the most important ingredient in any hot and sexy love affair.  And, it’s true.

I truly believe and know that only when we are truly in alignment with our own beautiful spirit, can we completely and authentically give and receive real love.

If you aren’t sure where to start with Self-Love, my encouragement to read last week’s blog (click here).

Amidst lovers and loving, perhaps the greatest gift we can give ourselves is learning how to fully accept and love ourselves.

Today I extend two invitations….

One, to inquire on how you share your loving with others in a way that is meaningful to them and to you.  Not based on what you might get back from being loving and a lover, but as a reflection of the depth of your self-loving.

Because when we love ourselves first, we can then give, serve, and love without expectations making our well of love suddenly bottomless.

Two, to practice inquiry on how you may be keeping yourself from experiencing and sharing the depth of your loving.  The possibility that loneliness, sadness, resentment, grief, and upset are ways to keep yourself, safe in a way, from experiencing the freedom love has for you.

Because romantic love is only one flavor in the rich palette that is LOVE.

I know that for many this day can be quite painful, especially for those in grief or longing.

For me Valentine’s Day can and has been bittersweet.

As a child, my beloved dad would surprise my sister and I with Valentine’s gifts every year.  It was always such a joy to find his tokens awaiting our arrival from school.  His gesture of love never requiring a thank you.

For many years after he passed,  my missing him kept me from celebrating love on this day.  The turn-key happened when I recognized how my grief kept me restricted and constricted in an effort to avoid feeling pain again.  Allowing myself to feel the sadness and the pain, and feel it all the way, set me free.  Free to celebrate his legacy of love that still exists in me on this day and everyday.

 If you’re longing for what has yet to arrive, can today be the beginning of releasing needless suffering giving way to nourishing yourself as an unselfish lover does?

And, if you are a partner in a relationship that may not feel so great, consider the invitation to love despite the imperfections of you and your partner without attachment to any particular outcome.

Now I haven’t forgotten about the required word for a great Valentine’s…. helping lovers love loving hot and sexy together.

Lovers loving love hot and sexy together happens when we are willing to engage in one big dirty F word….

FORGIVENESS

Nothing kills romantic love and dims erotic spark like our fanning the flames of resentment, bitterness, and upset.  

Forgiving the judgments towards your partner and self.

Forgiving God for actions that may be judged as cruel.

Forgiving past lovers for they were not part of the tapestry the Universe has woven for you.  

Forgiving yourself for being human and imperfect.

Forgiving a body that changes.

Forgiving the judgement of feeling and wanting all that you do.

Forgiving, perhaps just enough, to allow yourself a different experience of yourself as a lover, acting from a place of full loving, having no attachment to getting anything back, or waiting for another to pay back an old debt.

Forgiveness sets your free to love and be loved.

Freedom to get LOVED up by LOVE…to reveal the truth about how you really LOVE.

Love cannot be owned, ended, or held captive. 

LOVE is a Being, a presence, a reflection of the truest part of your Soul.

You, the essence of LOVE LOVING LOVE fully and purely.

💕 Happy Valentine’s Day… Happy LoveBeing Day 💕

Loving you today and everyday,

Jacqueline

 

PS…Come play and discover different flavors of romantic love at next week’s Love, Intimacy & Attraction Event, info & reservation here.  It’s gonna be good 💕.

The Most Essential Ingredient for Hot and Sexy Love

It’s February!  The month we celebrate love. 

But before we dive into how to have a sizzling and hot V-Day, let’s stop for a moment and talk about the most essential ingredient to hot and sexy anything…. (drumroll)…. SELF-LOVE.

By definition self-love is having regard for one’s own well-being and happiness.

In my work with individuals and couples as well as my own journey, the practice of self-love is not always easy.  Our small, ego mind in an effort to keep us safe, can go on endless loops of negative self-talk and sabotaging behavior. 

This leads us to seek validation and love from others, rather than ourselves, which almost always results in our feeling unsatisfied and unloved.

And, when we don’t practice self-love, it can often lead us to being needy and unloving which is a sure way of putting out any sexy fires.

For only when we are truly in alignment with our own beautiful spirit, can we completely and authentically give and receive real love.

Because when we love ourselves, we know that we can give without becoming resentful or depleted. 

We give love because we are full of love.  We are fully immersed in the deep flow of love and loving.

The practice of Self-Love

Slow Down and Be Mindful.  People who have more self-love tend to know themselves well. They take the time to slow down and consider what they feel, think and want.  They take others into consideration when making choices, but not solely on making others happy or sacrificing self.

Know the No’s. The greatest lesson in Tantra practices is knowing your no before saying yes to anything. You will love yourself more when you set limits and say no to things that do not align and genuinely serve you.  And, when you do say yes, it is a wholehearted agreement you will not regret later.

Taking Care of Business.  Practice good self-care. People who practice self-love nourish themselves daily through healthy activities, good nutrition, exercise, proper sleep, intimacy and healthy social interactions.

Kindness and Forgiveness.  We can be so hard on ourselves!  There really is no need to punish ourselves for mistakes that ultimately prove pathways to healing, learning and growing.  The greatest act of self-love is acceptance of your being imperfectly human.  We all do the best we can given our our choices in any given moment.  Hindsight is 20/20.  Stop judging from that view. 

Living with Intentional Desire.  You will accept and love yourself more when you live through intention and desire, purpose and really wanting.  You will make decisions that support this intention, and create steps towards heart-felt desires.  Your heart will burst for YOU when you see yourself accomplishing what you set out to do.

Amidst lovers and loving, perhaps the greatest gift we can give ourselves is learning how to fully accept and love ourselves.

The act of being our own hot and sexy lover… before we are this for someone else or invite a lover in.  

For now, go practice loving yourself BIG.  Next week we will talk about lovers loving love hot and sexy together.

xoxo,

Jacqueline

The Natural Ebb and Flow of Intimacy

Intimacy…

plays an essential role in humans.  As social creatures and at the root of our humanity, is the craving for close, personal and reciprocating relationships with others.

Intimacy usually refers to mutual openness, sharing, and vulnerability.  Its lifespan can range from a single interaction to a long-term relationship of years or even decades.

It can exist in a variety of relationships spanning from close friendships to parent and child to family and even neighbors and co-workers.

But no other relationship contains the polarity of needs and interactions than that of our romantic relationships where intimacy also denotes sexual interactions because of the roles and expectations of these relationships.

Intimacy in a romantic pairing relationship is built over time.

At the beginning of a romance with hormones heightened and curiosity on overload (aka limerence which we will discuss later, so stay tuned), our attraction is high and we experience glimpses of intimacy.

New relationships might have moments of closeness, but the long-term intimacy that characterizes close personal relationships is a building process.  Because as we get comfortable and let our guard down, more of our “parts” show up and so do those of our partners.

There is also a natural, healthy ebb and flow to intimacy — a relationship might be highly intimate or be lacking in intimacy without anything triggering the rise or the fall.

The problem becomes a problem when people judge the quality of their relationships based on the depth of intimacy and the degree to which they feel close to their partner, or how they perceive their partner being intimate with them.

Then, because of previously unresolved issues, they shutdown, avoid, or run and blame their partner or circumstances for the state of the relationship.

The truth is that….

Intimacy is about being intimate with ourselves… Into-Me-I-SEE.

To create and practice real intimacy is to practice seeing into myself, recognizing old and new wants and desires, letting go of what is not really me, and then (huge here) allowing the space for my partner to do the same without wronging or taking what is being shared personally.

The reasons why infidelity occurs are many, but the common thread I have found in every couple that has sat across me, perhaps not verbatim but some version of this – I did not know how to practice intimacy with myself, so to discover and reveal parts of myself to myself, I went elsewhere. 

True intimacy requires trust and vulnerability…  and this is frightening when we are not comfortable with parts of ourselves.  We look to our partners to validate us, to make us feel accepted, to feel loved, and yet none of this matters if we cannot do it for ourselves.  

Getting emotionally naked

The healthiest and most passionate of relationships naturally have moments of high and low intimacy.   What keeps them going is that they know this and when the intimacy is low, there’s no blaming or avoiding what is happening.

Instead, they get emotionally naked.

They have the willingness to explore and then express deep sadness, hurt, fear, and love…oh, yes love!

And because they both get naked, there is no need to blame or avoid, because they recognize that when one of them disengages, it is not a sign that something is wrong, but that a new level of depth is ready to emerge.

And they seek moments where they can experience themselves differently.

Don’t get me wrong, many people struggle with intimacy, and the fear of intimacy is a common concern in therapy.

But sometimes, to allow ourselves a moment to have that spark of intimacy – to let ourselves be seen and while also having the willingness to see without intruding or pushing any agenda… so we can build from that in therapy, in quiet moments, and even in the loud ones.  (A little positive psychology always helps.)

Because contrary to popular belief, the couple who never quarrels and seems like the perfect pair is not necessarily the couple who has the greatest intimacy.

It is the couple who expresses themselves and their differences, who engage in their struggles and challenges in a constructive, honest way, who may perhaps from the outside look contradicting or too different, but who can also find ways to express their love that are truly intimate.

Want to experience a moment… perhaps that spark?

Come join The Art of Love, Intimacy, & Attraction Evenings.  An evening focused on the tending and nurturing of all your parts. Couples and Singles are invited to attend.

 

With all my love,

Jacqueline