Emotional Needs, Emotional Triggers

emotional triggers, girl with light , woman with light, growth, relationship goals, romance

“The strongest love is the love that can demonstrate its fragility.” 

– Paulo Coelho

 

The other day I was sitting in my office was screaming began in the office next door.  A man and a woman screaming at the top of her lungs both saying the same thing, “You are not listening to me!” They were yelling so loudly the wall separating them for me began to quiver. I am pretty sure that this is exactly what the walls of their hearts have been feeling like for years.

Making requests of our romantic partners is the most difficult thing to do because of the attachment to how having that need will make you feel.

Having needs is not a bad thing. You have needs because at some point in your life, they served you. At an earlier time of your life, the experience taught you that surviving or succeeding in life depending on maintaining control over the need because it felt good to have it.

The more you became attached to these needs, the more he started to be on the lookout for circumstances that threaten you’re having them. This is how needs become emotional triggers.

And everything a partner does is under a microscope because you’re convinced that your misery is due to your partners inability to do what you’re needing in order to feel happy and fulfilled.

Back to the screaming couple for a moment……

There was a moment of silence followed by his yelling how sad and lonely he has felt not being able to share with her his real feelings. She screams back by blaming him for her own loneliness because of his interest in her. He began to weep. What are still screaming he shouted even louder, “I am afraid of being close to you or anyone.” Then something shifted, the yelling stopped.

Be aware of your emotional triggers.

The strings that have helped you to succeed are many times also your greatest emotional triggers. When you feel someone is not honoring what makes you special, especially in romantic partnerships, your brain perceives that the other is taking important things away from you then your emotions are triggered.

You react with anger or fear, then you quickly rationalize your behavior, responses, so they make sense.  What follows next is that you lose trust in your partner which only adds to your upset and frustration. You may even lose courage or react in a way that could hurt your relationships in the future.

The turn-key happens when you begin to catch yourself reacting when your emotions are triggered.

When you can do this, you begin to create new neural pathways and bodily responses.  You then can discover if the threat you are perceiving is real or not.  And, when you can do this, you open up the opportunity to make a heart-felt response and request to what you actually want—comfort, understanding, attention, fun, affection, acceptance, safety, autonomy, balance, to be valued, freedom, included, loved.  The focus then becomes your actual need, not the control over your partner’s behavior or what they can do differently.

Being present for yourself… Shifting the emotional trigger.

Relax – It is not up to your partner to relax you, it’s up to you. Breath and release the tension in your body.  Count to 10, count to 100, take a walk, do push-ups.

Stop the monkey brain – clear your mind of all thoughts because you won’t know what to ask for unless you can think clearly.  Do a brain dump—write until it’s all out of your mind.

Center – Drop your awareness to the center of your body—the solar plexus—the spot between belly and your ribs.  It is said that this is the place of power and where we keep old feelings.  Put your hand over it.  Feel yourself breathe. This helps to further clear the mind and connect you back to you.

Focus – what is it that you are wanting?  Rather than focus on what your partner should be doing, what is that you want to feel—comfort, understanding, attention, fun, affection, acceptance, safety, autonomy, balance, to be valued, freedom, included, loved?

Once you have cleared your mind and refocused on your need versus your trigger, you can make a request of the heart.

Stay tuned for more… How to Make a Request from the Heart coming soon.

Love,
Jacqueline

The Dirty Little F Word Required for a Great Valentine’s

V-Day is here!

Love is in the air… may be…

I keep seeing posts and blogs about being “so over Valentine’s Day.” 

Now I don’t necessarily buy into the fanfare, Hallmark cards, and candy.  But, I am also reminded that as humans, we are programmed to connect, love and be loved.

So to ignore or minimize this very human need on a day that is focused on celebrating LOVE, is missing the opportunity to celebrate who we are on a core soul level. 

In last week’s post, I wrote about Self-Love being the most important ingredient in any hot and sexy love affair.  And, it’s true.

I truly believe and know that only when we are truly in alignment with our own beautiful spirit, can we completely and authentically give and receive real love.

If you aren’t sure where to start with Self-Love, my encouragement to read last week’s blog (click here).

Amidst lovers and loving, perhaps the greatest gift we can give ourselves is learning how to fully accept and love ourselves.

Today I extend two invitations….

One, to inquire on how you share your loving with others in a way that is meaningful to them and to you.  Not based on what you might get back from being loving and a lover, but as a reflection of the depth of your self-loving.

Because when we love ourselves first, we can then give, serve, and love without expectations making our well of love suddenly bottomless.

Two, to practice inquiry on how you may be keeping yourself from experiencing and sharing the depth of your loving.  The possibility that loneliness, sadness, resentment, grief, and upset are ways to keep yourself, safe in a way, from experiencing the freedom love has for you.

Because romantic love is only one flavor in the rich palette that is LOVE.

I know that for many this day can be quite painful, especially for those in grief or longing.

For me Valentine’s Day can and has been bittersweet.

As a child, my beloved dad would surprise my sister and I with Valentine’s gifts every year.  It was always such a joy to find his tokens awaiting our arrival from school.  His gesture of love never requiring a thank you.

For many years after he passed,  my missing him kept me from celebrating love on this day.  The turn-key happened when I recognized how my grief kept me restricted and constricted in an effort to avoid feeling pain again.  Allowing myself to feel the sadness and the pain, and feel it all the way, set me free.  Free to celebrate his legacy of love that still exists in me on this day and everyday.

 If you’re longing for what has yet to arrive, can today be the beginning of releasing needless suffering giving way to nourishing yourself as an unselfish lover does?

And, if you are a partner in a relationship that may not feel so great, consider the invitation to love despite the imperfections of you and your partner without attachment to any particular outcome.

Now I haven’t forgotten about the required word for a great Valentine’s…. helping lovers love loving hot and sexy together.

Lovers loving love hot and sexy together happens when we are willing to engage in one big dirty F word….

FORGIVENESS

Nothing kills romantic love and dims erotic spark like our fanning the flames of resentment, bitterness, and upset.  

Forgiving the judgments towards your partner and self.

Forgiving God for actions that may be judged as cruel.

Forgiving past lovers for they were not part of the tapestry the Universe has woven for you.  

Forgiving yourself for being human and imperfect.

Forgiving a body that changes.

Forgiving the judgement of feeling and wanting all that you do.

Forgiving, perhaps just enough, to allow yourself a different experience of yourself as a lover, acting from a place of full loving, having no attachment to getting anything back, or waiting for another to pay back an old debt.

Forgiveness sets your free to love and be loved.

Freedom to get LOVED up by LOVE…to reveal the truth about how you really LOVE.

Love cannot be owned, ended, or held captive. 

LOVE is a Being, a presence, a reflection of the truest part of your Soul.

You, the essence of LOVE LOVING LOVE fully and purely.

💕 Happy Valentine’s Day… Happy LoveBeing Day 💕

Loving you today and everyday,

Jacqueline

 

PS…Come play and discover different flavors of romantic love at next week’s Love, Intimacy & Attraction Event, info & reservation here.  It’s gonna be good 💕.

The Most Essential Ingredient for Hot and Sexy Love

It’s February!  The month we celebrate love. 

But before we dive into how to have a sizzling and hot V-Day, let’s stop for a moment and talk about the most essential ingredient to hot and sexy anything…. (drumroll)…. SELF-LOVE.

By definition self-love is having regard for one’s own well-being and happiness.

In my work with individuals and couples as well as my own journey, the practice of self-love is not always easy.  Our small, ego mind in an effort to keep us safe, can go on endless loops of negative self-talk and sabotaging behavior. 

This leads us to seek validation and love from others, rather than ourselves, which almost always results in our feeling unsatisfied and unloved.

And, when we don’t practice self-love, it can often lead us to being needy and unloving which is a sure way of putting out any sexy fires.

For only when we are truly in alignment with our own beautiful spirit, can we completely and authentically give and receive real love.

Because when we love ourselves, we know that we can give without becoming resentful or depleted. 

We give love because we are full of love.  We are fully immersed in the deep flow of love and loving.

The practice of Self-Love

Slow Down and Be Mindful.  People who have more self-love tend to know themselves well. They take the time to slow down and consider what they feel, think and want.  They take others into consideration when making choices, but not solely on making others happy or sacrificing self.

Know the No’s. The greatest lesson in Tantra practices is knowing your no before saying yes to anything. You will love yourself more when you set limits and say no to things that do not align and genuinely serve you.  And, when you do say yes, it is a wholehearted agreement you will not regret later.

Taking Care of Business.  Practice good self-care. People who practice self-love nourish themselves daily through healthy activities, good nutrition, exercise, proper sleep, intimacy and healthy social interactions.

Kindness and Forgiveness.  We can be so hard on ourselves!  There really is no need to punish ourselves for mistakes that ultimately prove pathways to healing, learning and growing.  The greatest act of self-love is acceptance of your being imperfectly human.  We all do the best we can given our our choices in any given moment.  Hindsight is 20/20.  Stop judging from that view. 

Living with Intentional Desire.  You will accept and love yourself more when you live through intention and desire, purpose and really wanting.  You will make decisions that support this intention, and create steps towards heart-felt desires.  Your heart will burst for YOU when you see yourself accomplishing what you set out to do.

Amidst lovers and loving, perhaps the greatest gift we can give ourselves is learning how to fully accept and love ourselves.

The act of being our own hot and sexy lover… before we are this for someone else or invite a lover in.  

For now, go practice loving yourself BIG.  Next week we will talk about lovers loving love hot and sexy together.

xoxo,

Jacqueline

More love please.

So… much… going… on… right… now!

There are tsunami-size waves of social change occurring.  We can’t go very long or very far without witnessing or being exposed to an injustice or human darkness.

I don’t know about you but there are moments when it all feels like there’s a huge wall separating us from where we are and where we want to be, what we imagine life can really be like.

We want to take it down, but we have no idea yet how to do it.  Leading us to feeling overwhelmed and overly triggered, wanting to run, hide, enraged, frozen, or all of the above.

Breathe.

At least that’s what I tell myself…BREATHE.  Because change is not easy and it is always the darkest before the light appears.

And, I am also reminding myself that no matter what is happening I have a choice in how to respond and how to be with myself, and how I can contribute to making this world a little brighter.

Each of us has a spot on that wall where we can choose to either help break it down or to put up another brick.

 

We each have our talents, our gifts, our work, our light. That’s our chisel in helping break down that wall.

We don’t have to do it all.  The ego mind likes to think we do which usually results in us freezing.

We don’t have to hammer things down.  Force and violence never work.

We don’t have to be anyone other than who we are.

We don’t have to do anyone else’s work.  No need for over-responsibility or playing the rescuer.  Both serve as distractions from our own work.

We can pick one thing, and give it our all.

And chisel away at that spot… over and over again.

By taking that one spot, that one space inside ourselves that feels triggered, that feels tender, that feels vulnerable.  Not pretending we don’t feel or blaming for feeling.  Being with that spot… loving it… being compassionate with it.
And then, when we are ready, practicing forgiving.  Forgiving our judgement, our misunderstanding, our not knowing any better.  Again and again because forgiveness is a practice, not an event.

 

Here’s the most wonderful thing of all…

… each of us are doing our work, chiseling way one spot, then collectively, eventually, together we will bring that wall down.

 

What we learn then is that every wall we encounter – both inner and outer  – are post signs, reminders that more love and compassion are needed. 

More love please. 

 

So remember….

You matter.

Your tender spots matter.

Your gifts and your tools matter.

You are here for an important reason.

Because together, that wall comes down.

And together… WE RISE.

 

Love,

Jacqueline