V-Day is here!
Love is in the air… may be…
I keep seeing posts and blogs about being “so over Valentine’s Day.”
Now I don’t necessarily buy into the fanfare, Hallmark cards, and candy. But, I am also reminded that as humans, we are programmed to connect, love and be loved.
So to ignore or minimize this very human need on a day that is focused on celebrating LOVE, is missing the opportunity to celebrate who we are on a core soul level.
In last week’s post, I wrote about Self-Love being the most important ingredient in any hot and sexy love affair. And, it’s true.
I truly believe and know that only when we are truly in alignment with our own beautiful spirit, can we completely and authentically give and receive real love.
If you aren’t sure where to start with Self-Love, my encouragement to read last week’s blog (click here).
Amidst lovers and loving, perhaps the greatest gift we can give ourselves is learning how to fully accept and love ourselves.
Today I extend two invitations….
One, to inquire on how you share your loving with others in a way that is meaningful to them and to you. Not based on what you might get back from being loving and a lover, but as a reflection of the depth of your self-loving.
Because when we love ourselves first, we can then give, serve, and love without expectations making our well of love suddenly bottomless.
Two, to practice inquiry on how you may be keeping yourself from experiencing and sharing the depth of your loving. The possibility that loneliness, sadness, resentment, grief, and upset are ways to keep yourself, safe in a way, from experiencing the freedom love has for you.
Because romantic love is only one flavor in the rich palette that is LOVE.
I know that for many this day can be quite painful, especially for those in grief or longing.
For me Valentine’s Day can and has been bittersweet.
As a child, my beloved dad would surprise my sister and I with Valentine’s gifts every year. It was always such a joy to find his tokens awaiting our arrival from school. His gesture of love never requiring a thank you.
For many years after he passed, my missing him kept me from celebrating love on this day. The turn-key happened when I recognized how my grief kept me restricted and constricted in an effort to avoid feeling pain again. Allowing myself to feel the sadness and the pain, and feel it all the way, set me free. Free to celebrate his legacy of love that still exists in me on this day and everyday.
If you’re longing for what has yet to arrive, can today be the beginning of releasing needless suffering giving way to nourishing yourself as an unselfish lover does?
And, if you are a partner in a relationship that may not feel so great, consider the invitation to love despite the imperfections of you and your partner without attachment to any particular outcome.
Now I haven’t forgotten about the required word for a great Valentine’s…. helping lovers love loving hot and sexy together.
Lovers loving love hot and sexy together happens when we are willing to engage in one big dirty F word….
Nothing kills romantic love and dims erotic spark like our fanning the flames of resentment, bitterness, and upset.
Forgiving the judgments towards your partner and self.
Forgiving God for actions that may be judged as cruel.
Forgiving past lovers for they were not part of the tapestry the Universe has woven for you.
Forgiving yourself for being human and imperfect.
Forgiving a body that changes.
Forgiving the judgement of feeling and wanting all that you do.
Forgiving, perhaps just enough, to allow yourself a different experience of yourself as a lover, acting from a place of full loving, having no attachment to getting anything back, or waiting for another to pay back an old debt.
Forgiveness sets your free to love and be loved.
Freedom to get LOVED up by LOVE…to reveal the truth about how you really LOVE.
Love cannot be owned, ended, or held captive.
LOVE is a Being, a presence, a reflection of the truest part of your Soul.
You, the essence of LOVE LOVING LOVE fully and purely.
💕 Happy Valentine’s Day… Happy LoveBeing Day 💕
Loving you today and everyday,
PS…Come play and discover different flavors of romantic love at next week’s Love, Intimacy & Attraction Event, info & reservation here. It’s gonna be good 💕.
There was always an excitement about January 1st, because I got a chance to wipe the slate clean and start all over again. The previous year, with all its ups and downs… GONE.
I wrote specific, measurable, achievable, and reachable goals. I’d even do vision boards.
And some where around January 20th…. the momentum started to slip.
Until I got the most amazing opportunity…. (drumroll please)…
I got the chance to ask the late great Wayne Dyer a question. It went something like this… How do I keep myself going?
Here is what he said….
“Assume the feeling from the end.
Don’t think about doing, but that it is already done.
Don’t think about the end, but from the end.”
He talked about that when he was getting ready to write a book, before he even sat down to write it, he would start by imagining that book already written.
What I learned in that moment was that it did not matter how much I want something. If there are any misaligned inner parts or perceived obstacles, no desire had a chance.
I learned to approach a desire as already having arrived, and what I found was that the heaviness of “making it happen” disappears and the obstacles my saboteur loved to give me, stopped having the same power.
But how do I know which is the goal for me?
When we choose goals without first slowing down and tapping in to our innate genius, we are more likely to choose goals that don’t align with our higher soul purpose.
tapping into your Innate Genius
- You can start by sitting or lying down in a comfortable position.
- Take a breath and close your eyes. Place a hand over you’re belly so that you can feel the rise and fall of your breath.
- Imagine yourself already having completed or achieved your desire. Use all 5 senses to really put yourself in the context that best supports what you want. Example. If you are wanting to write a book, imagine the book already on your bookshelf. What do you see? Hear? Smell?
- Begin to notice the energetic shifts in the body. Is what you are imagining resulting in your feeling expansive and relaxed? Or, are you feeling more contracted and tense?
- If you experienced yourself as expansive, note where in the body you are feeling the most enlivened. Anchor in this feeling before writing goals, creating living visions or vision boards.
- If you experienced tension, be curious about the reasons for wanting this goal? Is it something you really want? Are there competing intentions/goals? Does it help to divide goal into smaller signposts?
- Write it down — write your goal as already happening focusing on what supports you. Example. I am opening my book with my family surrounding me. We are all excited and I am feeling proud. I love how my book feels in my hands and the smell of this new book makes me even happier.
Here’s to an amazing and beautiful 2018.
PS… A little surprise for you… https://youtu.be/2Lskzq0yHWw
plays an essential role in humans. As social creatures and at the root of our humanity, is the craving for close, personal and reciprocating relationships with others.
Intimacy usually refers to mutual openness, sharing, and vulnerability. Its lifespan can range from a single interaction to a long-term relationship of years or even decades.
It can exist in a variety of relationships spanning from close friendships to parent and child to family and even neighbors and co-workers.
But no other relationship contains the polarity of needs and interactions than that of our romantic relationships where intimacy also denotes sexual interactions because of the roles and expectations of these relationships.
Intimacy in a romantic pairing relationship is built over time.
At the beginning of a romance with hormones heightened and curiosity on overload (aka limerence which we will discuss later, so stay tuned), our attraction is high and we experience glimpses of intimacy.
New relationships might have moments of closeness, but the long-term intimacy that characterizes close personal relationships is a building process. Because as we get comfortable and let our guard down, more of our “parts” show up and so do those of our partners.
There is also a natural, healthy ebb and flow to intimacy — a relationship might be highly intimate or be lacking in intimacy without anything triggering the rise or the fall.
The problem becomes a problem when people judge the quality of their relationships based on the depth of intimacy and the degree to which they feel close to their partner, or how they perceive their partner being intimate with them.
Then, because of previously unresolved issues, they shutdown, avoid, or run and blame their partner or circumstances for the state of the relationship.
The truth is that….
Intimacy is about being intimate with ourselves… Into-Me-I-SEE.
To create and practice real intimacy is to practice seeing into myself, recognizing old and new wants and desires, letting go of what is not really me, and then (huge here) allowing the space for my partner to do the same without wronging or taking what is being shared personally.
The reasons why infidelity occurs are many, but the common thread I have found in every couple that has sat across me, perhaps not verbatim but some version of this – I did not know how to practice intimacy with myself, so to discover and reveal parts of myself to myself, I went elsewhere.
True intimacy requires trust and vulnerability… and this is frightening when we are not comfortable with parts of ourselves. We look to our partners to validate us, to make us feel accepted, to feel loved, and yet none of this matters if we cannot do it for ourselves.
Getting emotionally naked
The healthiest and most passionate of relationships naturally have moments of high and low intimacy. What keeps them going is that they know this and when the intimacy is low, there’s no blaming or avoiding what is happening.
Instead, they get emotionally naked.
They have the willingness to explore and then express deep sadness, hurt, fear, and love…oh, yes love!
And because they both get naked, there is no need to blame or avoid, because they recognize that when one of them disengages, it is not a sign that something is wrong, but that a new level of depth is ready to emerge.
And they seek moments where they can experience themselves differently.
Don’t get me wrong, many people struggle with intimacy, and the fear of intimacy is a common concern in therapy.
But sometimes, to allow ourselves a moment to have that spark of intimacy – to let ourselves be seen and while also having the willingness to see without intruding or pushing any agenda… so we can build from that in therapy, in quiet moments, and even in the loud ones. (A little positive psychology always helps.)
Because contrary to popular belief, the couple who never quarrels and seems like the perfect pair is not necessarily the couple who has the greatest intimacy.
It is the couple who expresses themselves and their differences, who engage in their struggles and challenges in a constructive, honest way, who may perhaps from the outside look contradicting or too different, but who can also find ways to express their love that are truly intimate.
Want to experience a moment… perhaps that spark?
Come join The Art of Love, Intimacy, & Attraction Evenings. An evening focused on the tending and nurturing of all your parts. Couples and Singles are invited to attend.
With all my love,
“Silence is the sleep that nourishes wisdom”
– Francis Bacon
The New year is here!
One of the most powerful ways to move forward in creating your dreams and intentions for the new year is to focus on what you’ve learned, celebrate your wins, and forgive the past.
I find that when I do this, I feel more present, more grounded, more at ease, and most importantly, excited about what’s next.
And, how I begin this process is by finding the stillness, the moments of pause and silence.
When I was a child, I loved New Years. I loved the idea of starting over and that come January 1st, the past was wiped, fresh start.
The older I got, the more life experience under my belt, the more I felt the heaviness of what I did not accomplish, the goals left behind, and the relationships, including the one with myself, that did not feel any better.
In an effort to feel good, I followed what so many “experts” say to do – jump right into creating and manifesting on the goal line. The heaviness did not quite go away.
I found that when I moved past the stillness and straight into goal achievement I was skipping the most important lesson …. MY SOUL LEARNINGS, the reason why my soul had called in those precise let downs and wins.
“Learning how to be still, to really be still and let life happen – that stillness becomes radiance.”
~ Morgan Freeman.
Soul Learnings is the belief that everything that happens – the good, the bad, and the ugly – happens for my highest good.
We also cannot access our learnings though busyness, noise, and haste.
Seeking the stillness allows us to quiet the mind and stop judging, blaming, and avoiding. Instead, we get in touch with our inner counselor, the part of us that is wise, holds equanimity, and has a higher vision.
From this place we begin to recognize what we learned in the last year with gratitude and grace. We also get to celebrate the wins, something so many of us forget to do.
Forgiving others, not for their sake, but for our own sake. Because in doing so, we create and manifest from a space of compassion, abundance, not scarcity, fear, or angst.
When we practice forgiving ourselves, we remember we are worthy of creating what we truly desire based on authentic alignment not guilt, remorse, or obligation.
Most importantly of all, when we slow down, we give ourselves the chance to ask, “What do I want? What do I really really really want?” from a place of what feels good and what nourishes me and my relationships.
Where to find moments of silence….
- Taking a shower or a bath.
- In the car, arriving home, right before getting out. Or, after dropping off the kids before driving away.
- Morning coffee… sip it slowly.
- Before or after a yoga class.
- Park your car at the furthest point of a parking lot and walk slowly towards your destination.
- Close your eyes. Breathe slowly and deliberately.
- Rather than look at social media, read emails, or play a game, put on a song you love and let your body lead (you may want to put headphones on too).
- Read a book. The Alchemist being one I read every January.
And remember, that even the most beautiful rose bush is pruned and rested before it begins to radiantly flourish again. Below are a few offerings on the making this year the most flourishing and sizzling yet.
Wishing a magical and magnificent 2018,
So much talk about the season of merriment and light, yet for so many…
The paradox of the holidays.
It can be said that there is wisdom to be gained through challenge, hardship and suffering. It can also be said that there is deep learning and truth to be gained.
Because when we are in a “dark night of the soul”, the deepest part of our being reaches out for a more valuable connection with heart and spirit.
This, however, may not be immediately apparent to the ego self.
In the midst of pain, anger, grief, or sorrow, the ego self becomes attached to specific outcomes – “I will feel better when…,” and cannot see the possibility for learning and for a greater life on the other side.
This paradox is hard for the human self to grasp when feeling the heaviness of pain. Our most human response to suffering is to want to end it, and the human heart cannot help but believe that what it feels, the deprivation of joy, love, and, even hope, cannot possibly be the source of something good.
And yet, in the darkest hour of the night, there is a sharpening of vision, and what appears empty and dark, suddenly holds the promise of light.
In this sense, a dark night of the soul may first appear as if all the light has gone out, but the soul continues to support the seeking of light and continues to radiate and attract light toward the self that suffers and struggles.
After all, isn’t it true that when we feel disconnected from joy and love, we begin to seek that joy and love with a more willing and malleable heart? We begin to see the glimmers of light where moments before there were none to see.
Light attracts light even in the darkest hour.
This is the divine beauty of the soul.
From this perspective, the holidays – holy days – is the ideal and soulful time for our journey into the light… the surrender into the light of our own being.
A reminder that the holy days, regardless of religion, culture, language, country, or ethnicity, are an invitation to love freely – without the need for reciprocity or finding worthiness in another.
An invitation to practice love loving love – the practice of being present and loving for the sake of loving.
To love openly because we are all soulful beings and, in the eyes of the Divine, are all equal – no one better or worse, more spiritual or less. The only distinction that each of us arrived on earth with different soul curriculums.
The holidays are high holy days because they serve as reminders of the holy that resides in each of us.
A sacred summons to seek the Divine in another.
A reminder that all moments are for our highest purpose.
Wishing you the most beautiful holiday season.
May it be filled with bliss, compassion, peace, and a heart filled with love.
With all my love,
“Love is holy because it is like grace – the worthiness of its object never really matters.”
– Marilynn Robinson
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I love food… and I am enamored with sweet potatoes and yams. My love for them is so great that it is not uncommon for me to make several sweet potatoes and yams recipes on this holiday. There’s also the mashed potatoes and gravy, watching the dog show (I usually eat my first batch of sweet potatoes while watching this), the turkey, and spending time with family.
But, what I love most about this holiday is that it is a day we set aside to deepen in the practice of gratitude.
Because giving thanks helps us recognize, appreciate, and gift ourselves and others transformation.
When we express gratitude, we open up to love, and we are reminded that, although not perfect and sometimes downright painful, there is sweetness, expansion, and healing woven into life.
Have you ever noticed how saying thank you can change you and your outlook on things? Have you seen someone transform in front of your eyes when given gratitude?
We may not get transported to a place of glitter and perfection and the bad doesn’t necessarily go away.
What we can experience is a shift and lightness in our emotions. Our sense of connection and presence in the moment may deepen. There is a reminder that grace always seems to appear when we need it the most.
Research has also found that expressing gratitude improves mental, physical and relational well-being.
Giving thanks can also impact the overall experience of happiness which can be long-lasting.
Now, I get it. It’s not always easy to express gratitude or to find ourselves in a state of thankfulness.
Four ways to Cultivate Gratitude on Thanks-Giving
- Say thank you often. Look for opportunities to say it — particularly to those who serve you.
- Practice not gossiping, complaining, or judging for the day. (You can do it!)
- It is vital to make a distinction between feeling grateful and being grateful. We don’t have total control over our emotions. We cannot will ourselves to feel grateful, less depressed, or happy. Yet how we look at things is dictated by how we feel about them. Being grateful is a choice: We can feel grateful and not be grateful towards the gains and losses that flow in and out of our lives.
- Engage in compassionate forgiveness. Sitting at a table with family discord and conflict is never easy, but for that day (and every day after if you choose), remember that at any given moment we all do the best we can. If he/she/they, had thought of something better to do or say, then they would have done it.
I also want to take the opportunity to give Thanks to YOU.
Thank you for showing up.
Thank you for allowing me to be of service.
Thank you for engaging with me.
Thank you for sharing your time, your attention, and to many of you, your heart and soul.
Wishing you a blessed and delicious Thanks-Giving,
So… much… going… on… right… now!
There are tsunami-size waves of social change occurring. We can’t go very long or very far without witnessing or being exposed to an injustice or human darkness.
I don’t know about you but there are moments when it all feels like there’s a huge wall separating us from where we are and where we want to be, what we imagine life can really be like.
We want to take it down, but we have no idea yet how to do it. Leading us to feeling overwhelmed and overly triggered, wanting to run, hide, enraged, frozen, or all of the above.
At least that’s what I tell myself…BREATHE. Because change is not easy and it is always the darkest before the light appears.
And, I am also reminding myself that no matter what is happening I have a choice in how to respond and how to be with myself, and how I can contribute to making this world a little brighter.
Each of us has a spot on that wall where we can choose to either help break it down or to put up another brick.
We each have our talents, our gifts, our work, our light. That’s our chisel in helping break down that wall.
We don’t have to do it all. The ego mind likes to think we do which usually results in us freezing.
We don’t have to hammer things down. Force and violence never work.
We don’t have to be anyone other than who we are.
We don’t have to do anyone else’s work. No need for over-responsibility or playing the rescuer. Both serve as distractions from our own work.
We can pick one thing, and give it our all.
And chisel away at that spot… over and over again.
By taking that one spot, that one space inside ourselves that feels triggered, that feels tender, that feels vulnerable. Not pretending we don’t feel or blaming for feeling. Being with that spot… loving it… being compassionate with it.
And then, when we are ready, practicing forgiving. Forgiving our judgement, our misunderstanding, our not knowing any better. Again and again because forgiveness is a practice, not an event.
Here’s the most wonderful thing of all…
… each of us are doing our work, chiseling way one spot, then collectively, eventually, together we will bring that wall down.
What we learn then is that every wall we encounter – both inner and outer – are post signs, reminders that more love and compassion are needed.
More love please.
Your tender spots matter.
Your gifts and your tools matter.
You are here for an important reason.
Because together, that wall comes down.
And together… WE RISE.
Many have arrived to my office this week stunned and in disbelief over the events in Charlottesville. Some asking how to deal with the fear and anger. Others inquiring about the notion of love replacing hate.
One of the things I love about my practice is that I get to serve a multi-cultural, multi-religious, and multi-lingual population. Many of my couples are of mixed ethnicity and even mixed religions. Once during a women’s event, we looked around the room and experience such joy that in the circle were Christians, Catholics, Buddhist, and Muslim women of varying ages and cultures. One woman stated, “We can teach the UN a few things.”
There is a part of me that perhaps is a bit Pollyanna always looking for the good, the silver lining in everything: darkness always leads to light and after every storm there is always calm.
I admit that given the political climate of this country, it gets a little hard at times. Today, I sat with a knot in my stomach and tears in my eyes. Hate spewing out of so many. The silver lining becoming dimmer at times.
Hate is defined as the intense or passionate dislike for something or someone. Hate helps build the illusion of separation, of being different, of competition over false identities. This mixed with prejudices and judgements can be combustible.
Love on the other hand, is having affection, love, compassion for ourselves and for every other being. It opens us up to see the beauty in things and the good in others. It serves as a reminder that in God’s eyes, we are all the same. A homeless man is no better than the one living in a mansion.
Love can erase hate because if we practice love and being in our loving, we are aware of our prejudices and we are willing to be curious and inquire about them. We question the validity, where we learned it, how it serves us, and our willingness to change it.
I for one do not believe in being colorblind. In full transparency here… when someone tells me that they don’t see race, they don’t see color…. I gulp. It’s natural to see the difference in others. What is not natural is closing down our hearts because of what we assume to know because of another’s skin color, religion, culture, or ethnicity.
When we allow ourselves to be curious and inquire about our assumptions, we actually open our hearts a little more. And when we forgive ourselves and our assumptions, we elevate the whole planet.
The alternative is ignoring our assumptions to the point where we judge ourselves for having them. And given that life is a mirror into ourselves, we eventually see in others what we dislike in ourselves. We then use hate to fuel and give ourselves permission to blame those that remind us of what we do not want to see in ourselves.
So can love erase hate?
Yes… it can and it eventually will.
In the meantime, please remember that you are love, are loved, and you were made to love. Don’t shut down or don’t push away. Once you center yourself in this, take it to the streets. Go out and be in your loving with others.
Here I arrive at my silver lining which is remembering….
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
– Martin Luther King, Jr.
Be the light we all need to brighten our world a little more today🌟.
With all my love,
It was a calling. A deep heart calling to be part of the Women’s March LA. It was not about being anti-anyone. It was about listening to the whispers calling me to witness a rising.
I had never witnessed a morning like that. Hundreds of us at the train station. The train themselves, completely jammed packed. To say we were packed like sardines is an understatement. I could hardly move without touching someone else. Yet we laughed, we used each other to lean on, and some even sang songs.
Once on the streets of Downtown LA – HOLY Mother – there were thousands of us! Last estimates say there were 750,000 of us. I felt all sorts of emotions rise. Some joy, some love, some sadness, but most of all awe. There were so many of us that the roads closed for the march were not enough. Drivers were stuck in their cars. Many of them were swept with the joy of the moment as they got out and began cheering the marchers on. The signs people carried were brilliant. So many creatively stated many of my own thoughts. A sea of pink pussy hats on women had me smiling from ear to ear.
What was the most moving was seeing the number of men that marched along the women that morning. Some came with their partners. Some came on their own. Fathers brought their sons. Groups of men came together. My heart burst open when I heard the men chant, “Her body, her choice.” Even thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes.
I marched because to me nothing is more important than the freedom to choose.
The freedom to say what happens to my body, who touches my body, and how I take care of my body. I marched as a drop in a vast ocean of powerful women. As I often say – when women gather, we are a powerful force and our collective presence changes the world. I marched because this event marked the greatest awakening of the Divine Feminine energy. I marched alongside millions of women and men worldwide because I yearned to be there at the moment that this wider recognition of the Divine Feminine was being birthed.
The Divine Feminine is the matrix of creation. The truth is every woman knows it exists in every cell of her being even if she forgets from time to time. She gets to participate in the greatest mystery of bringing a soul into life. Even if a woman chooses not to birth a child, her body still contains and remains connected to the mystery of the Divine. And yet, we forgot and are okay being denied the sacredness of this.
We live in a culture that promotes disembodiment. In doing so, we live in our heads with our egos making up stories, with blindfolds that keep us from seeing the beauty of who we really are, and worst of all, we stop following Divine Intuition which stops us from acting from a place of Divine Love.
What we forget is that to bend to this patriarchal denial affects not only every woman, but also life itself. When we deny the mystery of the Divine Feminine, we also deny life at the core — the part that nourishes, creates, heals, transforms, and nourishes all of us. For the same sacred source from which we were all born comes the essence that gives meaning to our life and aligns our life’s divine purpose.
The Divine Feminine has been waiting.
On that beautiful Saturday morning, women and men gathered and heeded her calling. That day I walked with my sisters and brothers to honor the Divine Feminine in each of us even for those that do not hear her whispers yet or who continue to deny her existence.
With all my love,
PS… It also does not end at the march. I for one am done with complaining and I am choosing to be active instead. What are the topics and issues that are important to you? The Divine Feminine awaits our active participation in order to co-create with each of us a world that we truly desire.