Emotional Needs, Emotional Triggers

emotional triggers, girl with light , woman with light, growth, relationship goals, romance

“The strongest love is the love that can demonstrate its fragility.” 

– Paulo Coelho

 

The other day I was sitting in my office was screaming began in the office next door.  A man and a woman screaming at the top of her lungs both saying the same thing, “You are not listening to me!” They were yelling so loudly the wall separating them for me began to quiver. I am pretty sure that this is exactly what the walls of their hearts have been feeling like for years.

Making requests of our romantic partners is the most difficult thing to do because of the attachment to how having that need will make you feel.

Having needs is not a bad thing. You have needs because at some point in your life, they served you. At an earlier time of your life, the experience taught you that surviving or succeeding in life depending on maintaining control over the need because it felt good to have it.

The more you became attached to these needs, the more he started to be on the lookout for circumstances that threaten you’re having them. This is how needs become emotional triggers.

And everything a partner does is under a microscope because you’re convinced that your misery is due to your partners inability to do what you’re needing in order to feel happy and fulfilled.

Back to the screaming couple for a moment……

There was a moment of silence followed by his yelling how sad and lonely he has felt not being able to share with her his real feelings. She screams back by blaming him for her own loneliness because of his interest in her. He began to weep. What are still screaming he shouted even louder, “I am afraid of being close to you or anyone.” Then something shifted, the yelling stopped.

Be aware of your emotional triggers.

The strings that have helped you to succeed are many times also your greatest emotional triggers. When you feel someone is not honoring what makes you special, especially in romantic partnerships, your brain perceives that the other is taking important things away from you then your emotions are triggered.

You react with anger or fear, then you quickly rationalize your behavior, responses, so they make sense.  What follows next is that you lose trust in your partner which only adds to your upset and frustration. You may even lose courage or react in a way that could hurt your relationships in the future.

The turn-key happens when you begin to catch yourself reacting when your emotions are triggered.

When you can do this, you begin to create new neural pathways and bodily responses.  You then can discover if the threat you are perceiving is real or not.  And, when you can do this, you open up the opportunity to make a heart-felt response and request to what you actually want—comfort, understanding, attention, fun, affection, acceptance, safety, autonomy, balance, to be valued, freedom, included, loved.  The focus then becomes your actual need, not the control over your partner’s behavior or what they can do differently.

Being present for yourself… Shifting the emotional trigger.

Relax – It is not up to your partner to relax you, it’s up to you. Breath and release the tension in your body.  Count to 10, count to 100, take a walk, do push-ups.

Stop the monkey brain – clear your mind of all thoughts because you won’t know what to ask for unless you can think clearly.  Do a brain dump—write until it’s all out of your mind.

Center – Drop your awareness to the center of your body—the solar plexus—the spot between belly and your ribs.  It is said that this is the place of power and where we keep old feelings.  Put your hand over it.  Feel yourself breathe. This helps to further clear the mind and connect you back to you.

Focus – what is it that you are wanting?  Rather than focus on what your partner should be doing, what is that you want to feel—comfort, understanding, attention, fun, affection, acceptance, safety, autonomy, balance, to be valued, freedom, included, loved?

Once you have cleared your mind and refocused on your need versus your trigger, you can make a request of the heart.

Stay tuned for more… How to Make a Request from the Heart coming soon.

Love,
Jacqueline

To do anything in life…

Have you ever felt stuck, lost, frustrated, or lonely in moving forward with something—a decision, next steps, relationships, deepening in creative flow?

I have.

And I hated it!

I would then proceed to force myself, make myself sit with something until it got done and then be disappointed with the results.  I would even continue discussions with my partner until they became full-on fights.  None of this ever ended well.

Then after the failure or the fight, my negative self-talk would rip me apart.  This felt like an endless cycle leaving me feeling shittier each time.

Until I figured out that to do anything in life, I had to love myself first. 

Each moment—each failure, each fight, each moment of fear—was my inner knowing, my inner counselor, reminding me to pause and practice self-love

Fights between romantic partnerships erupt when one partner does not feel loved, validated or worthy by the other.

Feeling of failure happen when we feel that results we are getting don’t match what we desire.

We feel lonely, disconnected and forgotten not from our partners or the Universe, but from ourselves.

Those moments of stuck, frustration, upset, loneliness, and confusion have always been the HIGHER SELF reminding me to LOVE myself right there and then.

Next time you’re stuck,  feel lost, don’t know what to do, or feel unloved.  Pause.  Remember that whatever story you are telling yourself is… well… fake.

Instead, ask yourself, “How or what can I do right now, this very moment to be loving with myself—really, really show love to myself?”

When we practice loving ourselves first we are kinder, more generous, deepen our connection to Source and we are more willing to forgive—ourselves and others.

We don’t have to perform great feats.  Taking time to be with ourselves, to be still, to pay attention to the whispers of our inner wisdom is what is required. If you want to learn the importance of feeling it all  click here.

I find that when I do this, what is essential is to take a breath, to feel my feet on the ground and remind myself that I am okay.  From this place I can inquire what I want and how can I go about it from a calmer, more connected place.

Sometimes it has meant that I move my body, tend to my roses for a while, or even take a nap.

So next time you find yourself, stuck, fighting or at a loss for what to do next….pause.

Loving yourself is your greatest asset to getting anything done.

If you are needing support around this and you are in the L.A. area, check out my next Live Event for Women Shine Bright from the Inside Out, and I want to offer you the friends + family discount by using “LOVEMYSELF” at checkout, or reach out.

 

With much love,

Jacqueline

 

Sacred Sexuality + More Heart Space in Your Sex Life

While modern religions have defined sacred and spiritual as being separate from the body, from nature, and certainly from sex, the ancient the roots of our language and history imply something quite different. 

Our collective history suggests that at one time there was a sacred nature to sex. 

Given the shifts in our current culture and news headlines, now is the time to reacquaint ourselves with this ancient wisdom.

Sacred is defined as that which is made or declared holy, revered, blessed, holy.   

Sacred is also understood differently by varying cultures. 

One example of this is how in many indigenous cultures, the concept of sacred is one of relationship—based on reciprocity and connection—rather than dogma or popular opinion. 

In these native cultures, humans, animals, plants, including Mother Earth herself, are considered sacred because everything and everyone are seen as an essential part of the Whole of creation.  Therefore, every living creature is recognized as inherently sacred because  each is part of the interconnected web of ecology and energy that births, sustains and carries life.

Sacred Sexuality is an essential part of many spiritual traditions and cultures.

Sacred sexuality implies an awareness that sex is the inception of life, of all that is, a powerful connection to Divine energy. 

It is no coincidence then that the word sacrum is also the anatomical term for the triangular bone at the base of the spine—the very place that Tantric traditions say is the seat of the sleeping kundalini or Shakti energy. 

When aroused through practice (e.g. yoga, dancing, hip circles, hip thrusts), the kundalini rises up the spine to awaken the spiritual centers in the brain—the place where many of our habitual mindless chatter also resides.  And when empty, the place where we connect to Source.  

And, here is where it is important to remember that without the sexual act, most of us would not be here. 

Sacred Sexuality therefore acknowledges that our life force and our sexual energy originate from the same source.  Once does not exist without the other, at least not for very long. 

Sex is sacred because of its role in bonding, connection, and staying present.

Mutually satisfying sexual exchanges naturally intensify bonding between people.  Of course, sex can take place without bonding.

But, if we are not careful and habitually have sex without bonding, without connection, this can eventually lead to heart closure or not seeing our partner as an equal in the relationship with equally important needs and desires.

Sex opens the heart only if we bring the energy up and we access our heart space.

The Tantric attitudes of slowing down, awakening all of the senses, tuning into subtle energy, letting go of judgment and blame, expressing gratitude for the gift of life, and savoring the present moment are wonderfully supportive tools for intimate relating.

When we take the time to remind ourselves of what we are really trying to create with our lovers, we become more conscious of the need to connect and create greater intimacy of the heart space. 

We attune and notice the nuances of our partner and co-create with them a safe space to talk about what we want and, as equally important, what we do not want. 

Sex then becomes more than the chase of the orgasm or performance. 

Sex becomes the vehicle with which all partners use their channels for pleasure to connect with themselves and their partner. 

This is how sex becomes sacred again because it expands our state of consciousness—we are fully present to the here and now in our own body and in that of our partner. 

Sex is sacred because of its role in accessing peak experiences of love, oneness, and healing.

Humans have an innate need for peak experiences of bliss, merging, and ecstasy. 

We also  have a deep longing for union with the Divine.

When we access expanded states of consciousness through sex, we validate our intuitive sense that sex can be worship and that worship can be erotic.

There’s a reason why in many moments of pleasure and orgasm,  the words that are moaned most often is “oh my God!”

Sensuality is the embodied alignment of body-heart-mind-spirit.

Sacred Sensuality integrates our personality, our soul, and our human nature.  How we relate to our world, ourselves, and others is done through the innate sensual body.

The paths of Erotic Spirituality teaches us to embrace and honor the body as a temple of Spirit, rather than trying to deny our natural sexual impulses. 

And when we begin to recognize our own body as a temple for the Divine, we also begin to see our partners through the same loving lens.

Because when we open our hearts to our own divine, sacred nature, we can then do the same for others.

How to Create More Heart Space in Your Sex Life
  1. Leave all judgments at the door… actually leave them at the curb.  There’s no room for any of it in the heart space.  When we focus on lack or what we are not getting, we are literally closing the heart space which makes it difficult to create and maintain connection.
  2. B-R-E-A-T-H-E. Sounds silly, but, yes, breathe!  It’s not about deep breaths to your pelvic floor (although that may help too, more on this in another blog).  Breathing is essential for us to relax, for the body to remain open and present. The more we hold the breath, the more the body tightens, the more the brain focuses on silly chatter leaving the heart to eventually close.  Breathe.  Focus on filling your belly and emptying.  See how it relaxes you and welcomes more softness to the front side of the torso. 
  3. Our NO is more important than our YES. The greatest lesson in any Tantra practice is knowing your “NO’s” because when you know them and express them, your “YES” is more heartfelt and genuine.  When we agree to something out of default, our body gets tense, and  so does our heart.  And, on the flip side….
  4. Listen… especially to your partner’s “NO’s.” Do not question, invalidate, minimize, or contradict any NO’s.  When you do, you are not present, you are not in your heart, and above all, you are no longer safe to your partner which always results in heart closure.
  5. Slow down.  Look at each other.  There’s a reason why most Tantric practices begin with Eye Gazing (aka Soul Gazing).  It gives us a chance to really see our lovers, feel their energy, and notice what feels good or not.

And, remember… this is a practice. not an event.

Most of did not get a chance to learn about sexuality in a sacred, holistic way.  So practice, be curious… and lead with the heart.

Love,

Jacqueline

The Most Essential Ingredient for Hot and Sexy Love

It’s February!  The month we celebrate love. 

But before we dive into how to have a sizzling and hot V-Day, let’s stop for a moment and talk about the most essential ingredient to hot and sexy anything…. (drumroll)…. SELF-LOVE.

By definition self-love is having regard for one’s own well-being and happiness.

In my work with individuals and couples as well as my own journey, the practice of self-love is not always easy.  Our small, ego mind in an effort to keep us safe, can go on endless loops of negative self-talk and sabotaging behavior. 

This leads us to seek validation and love from others, rather than ourselves, which almost always results in our feeling unsatisfied and unloved.

And, when we don’t practice self-love, it can often lead us to being needy and unloving which is a sure way of putting out any sexy fires.

For only when we are truly in alignment with our own beautiful spirit, can we completely and authentically give and receive real love.

Because when we love ourselves, we know that we can give without becoming resentful or depleted. 

We give love because we are full of love.  We are fully immersed in the deep flow of love and loving.

The practice of Self-Love

Slow Down and Be Mindful.  People who have more self-love tend to know themselves well. They take the time to slow down and consider what they feel, think and want.  They take others into consideration when making choices, but not solely on making others happy or sacrificing self.

Know the No’s. The greatest lesson in Tantra practices is knowing your no before saying yes to anything. You will love yourself more when you set limits and say no to things that do not align and genuinely serve you.  And, when you do say yes, it is a wholehearted agreement you will not regret later.

Taking Care of Business.  Practice good self-care. People who practice self-love nourish themselves daily through healthy activities, good nutrition, exercise, proper sleep, intimacy and healthy social interactions.

Kindness and Forgiveness.  We can be so hard on ourselves!  There really is no need to punish ourselves for mistakes that ultimately prove pathways to healing, learning and growing.  The greatest act of self-love is acceptance of your being imperfectly human.  We all do the best we can given our our choices in any given moment.  Hindsight is 20/20.  Stop judging from that view. 

Living with Intentional Desire.  You will accept and love yourself more when you live through intention and desire, purpose and really wanting.  You will make decisions that support this intention, and create steps towards heart-felt desires.  Your heart will burst for YOU when you see yourself accomplishing what you set out to do.

Amidst lovers and loving, perhaps the greatest gift we can give ourselves is learning how to fully accept and love ourselves.

The act of being our own hot and sexy lover… before we are this for someone else or invite a lover in.  

For now, go practice loving yourself BIG.  Next week we will talk about lovers loving love hot and sexy together.

xoxo,

Jacqueline