Self-care isn’t selfish. If anything, it’s selfless. It allows you to be a better mother, daughter, friend, feminist, boss, employee, partner, and more. You don’t run a car without filling it up with gasoline, so why would you run your body, heart, and mind without filling it up with some fuel? Many people believe that self-care is too decadent or self-indulgent. Women, in particular, are stretched thin from handling motherhood to marriage to work to friendships and everything else in between. Some even begin to believe that if she has not run herself ragged, she clearly has failed at something.
Self-Care is care provided “for you, by you.” It’s about identifying your own needs and taking steps to meet them. Self-care is a practice that helps fuel your desires and dreams because, at its core, it is about practicing integrity with ourselves. It involves actively setting intentions for yourself — being honest with yourself and others about your needs, desires, fears, and dreams.
Self-Love begins with self-appreciation, for if we do not value ourselves, how can we ever honestly honor someone else? Many women believe that loving yourself is selfish and narcissistic. Self-love starts by giving love, attention, and care to yourself, so that we can be filled to overflow with radiance and then be able to share that radiance with another if we choose. The flow of love and self-love is giving and receiving. True self-love is no where near selfishness and narcissism.
Why it’s important to start with self-love though is because ultimately we are the ones responsible for our actions, choices, and the outcome of those actions and choices. Self-love is a practice of filling the yearning from your soul because it is about practicing listening to what we desire, acceptance of it, and taking action towards it. Self-love is important because it is process of remembering where our genuine power resides. When we are in self-love, we say no to what does not serve us and are more willing to say yes to what brings us more aliveness.
Self-love is a practice of filling the yearning from your soul because it is about practicing listening to what we desire, acceptance of it, and taking action towards it. This Valentine’s Day my encourage,went and invitation is to practice caring for yourself in a way that reflects LOVE.
I recently attended, both as participant and assistant, in a woman’s workshop focused on sexuality and the Medicine Wheel led by the incomparable Gina Ogden. On the first night, all the women walked the Wheel, placing their sacred objects and sharing with the group what each object represented — one representing what they want more of in their sexual life, the other representing what they want less of. As the evening continued, one theme came to light — the impact of religious training on sexuality, particularly that of that Catholic church.
This peaked my interest, since I attended Catholic school for 12 years and I was fully aware of the training and dogma that these women shared. As I heard the women speak, I found myself feeling incredibly grateful for my rebellious spirit and my curiosity — they have always been my saving grace. The truth is that I never believed what the priests and the nuns said about love and sex. I did not believe that I would be a sinner for enjoying the pleasure of my flesh since God himself (or herself) had created this very flesh. As far as I can remember, I believed that sex was one of God’s greatest gifts. It was a gift that allowed us as humans to transcend our bodies and the illusion of separation from others. There is a reason why, in moments of absolute pleasure, the words “oh my God” are said aloud in every language and across every religion.
As I sat in the circle, watching and hearing these women, I was also keenly aware that I had a small picture of St. Teresa of Avila in my bag. Until that moment, I had been unsure of the reason why I had packed it a few days before.
In the Medicine Wheel, sexuality and spirituality exist in the same quadrant because the quadrant is about connectivity. Although many may not agree with me, I cannot see any separation of sexuality and spirituality. One leads directly to the other. My spirituality is about connecting more lovingly and authentically with myself, others, and God. My sexuality exists for the same reason.
The women in the circle reminded me that night that much work needs to be done to heal the lines that create separation, aloneness, despair, and negative beliefs about God and sex. When St. Teresa was placed in the circle, I believe the healing began. That night, there was a lightness that she radiated from the center of the circle into the heart of every woman.
Ecstasy of St. Teresa Giovanni Lorenzo Bernini, 1645-1652 Rome, Italy: Santa Maria della Vittoria, Cornaro Chapel. Teresa is clothed from head to foot in a loose hooded garment. Her feet are bare, the left one prominently displayed. Her eyes are shut, her mouth opened, as she swoons in ecstasy. Standing before her is the figure of a winged youth. His garment hangs on one shoulder, exposing his arms and part of his upper torso. In his right hand he holds an arrow that is pointed at the heart of Teresa.
I believe that we are all divine beings having a human experience.
I often imagine that before we made the choice to come to the earth school, we all surrounded a giant bond fire where God tells us about a special “life” planned for us. We are so happy to learn and grow and be human that we give a resounding “yes” to life in store for us. We crave the all the lessons. We go all in.
We all chose to come here and inhabit our human body. We chose all the funny curves, bumps, and dimples. We chose our families – our mother, father, grandparents, and even our crazy uncle, because before we took human form, we knew that our bodies and our loved ones were the perfect ones to teach our souls the very lessons that we craved to learn. As life progresses, we also attract others to help us learn lessons in a deeper level. Of course, the one relationship that provides us the best and deepest opportunities of learning and growing is our romantic relationships.
From my point of view, the problem is that part of the human condition is that we forget that we chose. We forget so that we can actually learn the lessons. We forget so that we can fully live each moment. We also develop an ego. We develop the ego to help us survive our human condition. Because as humans we crave attention and to feel loved. Our ego begins to believe that for us to be loved by others, we have to abide by certain conditions. Out of fear of losing this love, it begins to create stories and beliefs about how the world works and how we should be in it. I find that when a phrase such as “I am personally offended” is used it is our ego that is reacting.
The ego is not a bad aspect. It is the part of us that has forgotten its divine nature. It has forgotten about the excitement we felt at the bond fire. The ego is the aspect of us that is the most human. It feeds on fear, judging, wronging others and ourselves, and keeps most aligned with how things should be. I often see my ego as a young adolescent learning how to drive – unsure of herself, not sure how to deal with traffic, not knowing how turn, pressing the gas and break pedals too much or not enough. The driving instructor is my higher self, my divine nature – the aspect that remembers I am a soul. It gently reminds my fearful teenage driver how to focus and how to hold herself behind the driving wheel. Always with great love and compassion. From time to time, the driving instructor takes the wheel, moments of smooth driving, leaving the teenage driver afraid she did something wrong, but at times, although she may not always acknowledge aloud or even to herself, quite grateful.